Levity
Vanessa Velez, MD (2021)
pen and markers on paper
Imposter
At the turn of every corner
I will be found out
You will see
The fraud in me
The constant necessity
Of performance and relentless false identity
Always peering in your mind
Trying to predict what you think
Trying to control what you see
However, overthinking gets in the way
Of me thinking
Stumbling in thought
Skipping vowels, consonants
Scattered and disconcerted
Missed harmonies, off tune symphonies
Presenting
Second-guessing
This white coat is too heavy
I can’t seem to hide behind this cloak
Dr. and MD suffocating the letters of my name
The title and degree that were once a dream
Now I’m just collecting medical abbreviations
MDD, GAD, ADHD
Unbalanced circuitry
Chalk it up to luck and hard work.
Cause I’m just dumb and it’s all f*cked.
And I don’t feel like I belong.
Constantly tense, on edge
At it’s worse, suicidal
Nervous system ramped up
Body can’t relax
Maybe being ‘gifted and talented’ did me in
Because now what’s left is tremendous fear and shame
Feeling that I don’t deserve to be here
Not giving myself credit
I’m not the only one
Trying to fit in a box
Authenticity
With time and practice
I turn the corner
No longer chasing external validation
Evaluations
Glimpses of levity
The truth comes in
My sense of worthiness comes from within
My internal point of reference
Unlearning the learned
Remembering the forgotten
Awareness
Patterns
Insights
Accepting my entirety
Vulnerabilities and frailties
Self-forgiveness
Self-compassion
Allowance
Life Long Discovery Of
Who am I really?
Co-creating wild and free
Responsibility
Holding all my parts
In the Great Mystery
Feeling what is alive!
What no longer serves me begins to slowly slip away
Layers of old beliefs peel away
Societal and self-imposed pressures come and let go
Seeing what I couldn’t see before
My humanness and Divinity
Joyfulness
My innate beingness
Deep whole hearted listening
I trust in the creative play
I explore the curious day
Sharing this today
Creating culture and community
Coming into our own equanimity
Calling in silliness, humor and levity
No box to exist
Resident Physician Contributing Writer
Hackensack Meridian Health Ocean Medical Center
Vanessa Velez is a resident physician in psychiatry at Hackensack Meridian Health Ocean Medical Center in Brick, NJ.
